Merlin Who
by PartlyInsaneEvilKitty
Summary: CRACK fic! Lots of references to random stuff. It complete craziness. I am suffering from writer's block.
1. Chapter 1

MERLIN WHO

Things that will be referenced to: Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Monty Python's now for something completely different, The Lion King, Christmas, Forest Gump, Plant of the Apes, American Idol, James and the Giant Peach, The Elephant Man, Repo the Genetic Opera, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Avatar the Last Airbender (show! Not movie), The Prince's Bride, and a bunch of other stuff I don't remember putting in.

I own none of the above

So basically, I had a mental break down so I decided to write this. This is me trying to expel all my crazy out so I can function like a normal human being in the real world :) This is nothing like my other work. If you don't like it, please don't let this sway you from reading anything else I write.

[The 10th Doctor and Rose are in Hollywood exploring]

Doctor: Oh, look at this Rose! [ points at hooker] A genuine hooker. God, I miss seeing some first class hookers. The last time I saw some, were in in 1888. Those were some good years.

Rose: My mom use to be a hooker.

Doctor: Did she really?

Rose: Oh, yeah.

Doctor: Learn something new everyday. That's why I love to travel.

Rose: Hey, doctor. Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just glad to see me.

Doctor: Both. [ Takes banana out of pocket and starts eating it]

Rose: Alright then, where should we go to next?

Doctor: Preferably somewhere with less fat people. America's got too many of those.

Rose: How about Camelot?

Doctor: Out of all the places in the world you want to go to Camelot: A fictional place in an unknown era?

Rose: How do you know it's fictional?

Doctor: It's a myth!

Rose: Just like santa?

[Santa jumps in]

Santa: Want to say that again?

Doctor: Let's get going.

[Santa takes out a tommy gun]

Santa: I'm going to pop you with coal so far up your a-

Timon: Santa! Not in front of the kids!

Rose: Run!

[Santa chases after them throughout Hollywood]

Random little girl: Run Doctor! Run!

[The Doctor and Rose run into the TARDIS. They start warming her up]

Rose: Come on! Let's get going!

[ They start pressing a bunch of buttons. Next they start banging the TARDIS with hammers, then with wrenches, then with rocks, then with books, then with nunchucks, then with swords, then with water guns, then with rubber chickens. The TARDIS is shaking all around]

Doctor: Well, now that we've done something completely ridiculous, that makes no sense, we can actually get going.[He pressing a button and the TARDIS is now calm. soft elevator music is playing]

Rose: So where are we going?

Doctor: Don't know. I set it on shuffle.

Rose: Don't you mean random?

Doctor: What's the difference? Now, can you change this music.

Rose: What do you want to listen to?

Doctor: I don't care. Put it on random.

[She changes the music]

Doctor: Well, here we go. Alon-

Rose: Don't! Don't!

Doctor: What? Why?

Rose: Every time you say that, and do you know what? It's getting old.

[beat]

Doctor: Oh...I didn't know you felt that way.

Rose: Well..yeah...I do.

[beat]

Doctor: Well..then...sorry.

[TARDIS jolts to a stop]

Doctor: Here we are!

[They both rush out of the TARDIS. They are in a lush green forest.]

Rose: Where the hell are we?

Doctor:I don't know! Isn't it great!

Rose: Did your parent's drop you on your head when you were a child.

Doctor: Once, when I was 50.

[ You can hear arguing in the distance. It is Merlin and Arthur off screen. ]

Merlin: I'm sorry!

Arthur: Sorry won't bring back Mr. Fluffy.

Merlin: I can sew him back up together.

Arthur: It's not the same!

[They see the Doctor and Rose]

Arthur: Who the hell are you?

Rose: Oi, pretty boy, watch your tone.

Arthur: Who are you calling pretty boy?

Merlin: Ya! He's got the face of a toad.

Arthur: Shut up.

Doctor: Hi I'm the Doctor and this is my companion Rose. [Shakes hands with both of them]

Merlin: My guardian's a physician.

Doctor: Sorry lad, I'm not interested in your backstory. I mean look how brilliant I am. Why would I find your life interesting?

Arthur: You really are an idiot, Merlin.

Rose: Oh-

Doctor: my-

Rose: God! Your name's Merlin.

Merlin: Yes.

Doctor: That's brilliant. No it's more than brilliant it's fantastic!

Rose: No, you can't be Merlin. The Merlin.

Doctor: Well, for course he's not _the_ Merlin. First of all, there's no such thing as magic and second, he's far too young.

Rose: Merlin had to be young at some point!

Arthur: Wait, What are you talking about? Of course, there's magic! I've suffered from it far too many times from it. Also, why do you have a deep fascination with my manservant?

Doctor: Your manservant?

Rose: Nope, you're right. Can't be him.

Doctor: Told you. Besides magic is as real as Camelot.

Merlin: Are you two on your way to Camelot?

Rose: Oh my god! It's real!

Arthur: Of course, it's real. I'm Prince Arthur Pentdragon of Camelot.

Merlin: Known to the people as Prince Arthur Pratdragon.

Arthur: Merlin!

Rose: Good one!

Merlin: Thank you.

Arthur: So how did you two get here and why are you both wearing strange clothing.

Rose: We came here in this. [Points to TARDIS]

Arthur: You came...in that?

Merlin: A bit cramp in there, wouldn't you say?

Arthur: There aren't any wheels.

Rose: It's a time and space machine. It's also bigger on the inside.

Arthur: [draws sword on them] Sorcery!

Doctor: Great Rose. Now look what you've done.

Rose: Me! You're the one's who's always strutting about saying, "Oh look at me I'm a brilliant time traveling alien. Look at my blue box. Aren't I amazing. Let's walk around in regular street cloths. I'm sure no one will notice."

Doctor: Rose, don't you get it by now? Anything I do is brilliant and anything you do will land us into trouble.

Merlin: [to Rose] He's modest, isn't he?

Rose: [to Arthur] What are you going to do with us?

Arthur: I'm going to take you to my father. But we don't have the money to spend on that kind of a shot and it'd be superfluous, so we're probably going to make a cut-

[Cut to the Doctor and Rose in front of the king]

Uther: For the crime of sorcery, I sentence both of you to death.


	2. Chapter 2

Doctor: For the last time there's no such thing as magic! Where are we? The Dark Ages?

Everyone: Yes!

Rose: We're not sorcerers.

Uther: You claimed to travel in a small blue box, that's bigger on the inside, through space and time.

Doctor: That's just a figure of expression. I'm a lord. See my papers [hold's up physic paper].

Uther: You could have used magic to fabricate this. Why should I trust you?

Doctor: Because first of all I'm amazingly witty, hilarious and intelligent, also look at this smile [smiles]. How could anyone reset?

[Merlin walks forward]

Merlin: Excuse me, but I'm the one with the most wonderful smile.

Doctor: Are not!

Merlin: Oh, it's on!

[American idol music]

Uther: Welcome to Camelot's smiles! I am your king, Uther Pentdragon, and these are your judges: Sir Leon.

Leon: How did I get here?

Uther: Captain Jack Heartness.

Captain Jack: Hey there everyone.

Uther: And lastly George Takei.

George: Hello.

Uther: Let's begin. First up is The Doctor. Doctor.

[Doctor does his smile.]

Uther: Next is my son's manservant Marvin...Merman...

Arthur: Merlin!

Uther: Oh, right. Merlin.

[Merlin does his smile]

Sir Leon: The Doctor's smile has got sort of of an " aren't I so clever" kind of charm, whereas Merlin has the "I'm the innocent best friend" look.

Captain Jack: I have to agree with Sir Leon. All I'm saying is that I wouldn't mind a little bit of both, if you know what I mean.

Doctor: Jack!

Captain Jack: It's a compliment!

George Takei: Truthfully, I have no idea what I'm doing here.

Captain Jack: Why hello there.

George Takei: Hello.

Leon: So, in the end, we call it a tie.

Everyone: Hooray.

Arthur: Everyone, be more medieval!

Everyone: Hazzah!

Uther: And as winners you both get to keep your lives.

Rose: What about me?

Uther: Who are you? [changing subject] And now a word from last years winner of "who get's banished now"and currently knight of Arthur's round table: Gwaine.

Gwaine: Bum-ba-dum-ba-dum

[Gwaine, Lancelot, Elyan, Leon and Percieval: "We're knights of the round table

We dance when e're we're able

We do routines and chorus scenes

With footwork impecc-able

We dine well here in Camelot

We eat ham and jam and spam alot

We're knights of the round table

Our shows are for-mid-able

But many times, we're given rhythms

That are quite unsing-able

We're opera mad in Camelot

We sing from the diaphragm a lot

In war we're tough and able.

Quite indefatigable

Between our quests we sequin vests

And impersonate Clark Gable

It's a busy life in Camelot.

Percieval: I have to push the pram a lot!]

Gaius: Stop that! Stop that! It's too silly and a bit suspicious...Carry on!


	3. Chapter 3

[Cut to Arthur's chambers. Arthur and Merlin enter the room.]

Arthur: I don't trust those two. The Doctor and Rose.

Merlin: [sarcastically] Thanks, because I had no idea who you were talking about.

Arthur:I'm serious! Those two mean danger.

Merlin: What doesn't mean danger in Camelot?

Arthur: Anyways, I need someone to watch over them.

Merlin: What about Lancelot and Gwaine?

Arthur: No, I need to be training them as my new knights.

Merlin: I'm really surprised your father hasn't made any objections to them yet.

Arthur:I don't think he's realized. He sort of lost his wits after that ordeal with Morgana.

[Cut to Uther in his chambers having a tea party with stuff animals. He's talking to a stuff animal of a dog.]

Uther: Mrs. Butter-twinkle would you like another strawberry? Oh, I'm so glad you all decided to come. What's that? Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Rabbit won't be joining us today. I know. I know. It's really a shame. I don't know if he'll be coming next time. I don't know. I'm sorry, but it's not like I stalk him and know where he is every minute of the hour. Are you really going to bring that up? Really? Well, fine, I won't talk you you either! See if I care! Shut up! I said shut up you! Quiet! I command you! [Stabs Mrs. Butter-twinkle] I'm sorry, but you made me do that.

[Cut back to Merlin and Arthur]

Merlin: We should confiscate his swords.

Arthur: Back to the subject, I'm afraid you're going to have to spy on them.

Merlin: Why me?

Arthur: Because I like to pick on you and secretly it's because there's no one more I trust, but I will never say it out loud. Now clean my shirt.

[Arthur takes off his short and hands it to Merlin. As Merlin's folding the shirt, he causally takes a sip of water from a cup on the table]

Merlin: I'll go find them in the morning.

[Cut to next morning. Merlin is asleep in bed. He's having a dream. He wakes up.]

Merlin: No!

[Gaius runs in]

Gaius: Merlin what is it?

Merlin: I had a horrible nightmare that there were all these screaming teenage girls trying to force feed me! It was terrifying!

Gaius: Well, you better get going.

Merlin: I need to find the Doctor and Rose. Now the question is where to find them.

[ The sound of screaming is heard outside.]

Merlin: Never mind.

[Cut to Merlin running into the courtyard. The Doctor and Rose are battling a rhinoceros with wings.]

Merlin: What the hell is that!

Rose: Is that a trick question?

[She avoids being whacked in the head by it's foot]

Doctor: We must destroy it! It has already assassinated one little boy's parents!

[The doctor points his sonic screw driver at it. Nothing happens.]

Merlin: Is that a wand?

Doctor: No! It's a sonic screw driver!

[Rhinoceros gobbles up a child]

Rose: Not again!

Merlin: What does a sonic screw driver do?

Doctor: It can intercept signals ranging from transmit beams to conscious thought, make medical diagnostics and repair of organic parts, cut, and re-attach materials, operate machinery, create sparks to light candles; drive screws without touching them, and it can be used as a defensive weapon...as long as there's no wood involved.

Merlin: So basically a wand, but not as good.

Doctor: Don't dis the screwdriver!

[Arthur, Gwaine, Elyan, Leon and Gwen enter]

Arthur: What is that?

Rose: Is everyone blind here?

[The Rhino flies towards Gwen]

Gwen: Arthur!

Arthur: Don't worry Gwen! I'll save you!

[Arthur rips off his shirt. Everyone, but Rose and the Doctor, takes a sip from there boda(drinking) bags. Arthur steps in front of Rhinoceros.]

Arthur: My name is Arthur pentdragon, you're destroying my kingdom! Prepare to die!

[Rhino knocks him in the head with his hoof. Arthur is unconscious.]

Gwen: [Sigh] Oh, Arthur.

[The Rhino looks back with Gwen. There is a murderous look in the animal's eye.]

Gwen: Oh no!

[She covers her eyes]

Merlin: Swelt goldbeorth!

[The Rhino explodes. The Doctor and Rose look with amazement. Gwen unshielded her eyes.]

Gwen: Well that was lucky.

[She starts to walk off]

Doctor: Did you just see that! He just exploded that beast!

Gwen: Don't be silly. Merlin doesn't have magic.

[Gwen exits. Doctor goes up to Elyan]

Doctor: Please tell me you saw that.

Elyan: I was helping an injured citizen.

Doctor: Gwaine you must have seen something!

Gwaine: [Drunk] That's _SIR_ Gwaine *hiccup* to you!

Doctor: Leon?

Leon: Sorry, I was tying my shoe.

Doctor: You're wearing metal boots!

Leon: Well I'll be!

[Doctor slaps his forehead. Then he and Rose go over to Merlin.]

Doctor: What was that?

Merlin: [reluctantly]Magic.

Doctor: There's no such thing as magic.

Rose: How do you know that for sure, Doctor? As for me, I can safely say, I had no idea flying rhinoceroses existed until this morning.

Doctor: It could have been an alien. [looks at Merlin] That's what you are, Isn't it? I demand under the shadow proclamation section 75 that you tell me your species!

Merlin: Look, just because I'm not like you doesn't mean I'm some other species! We both have something to hide so I suggest we both help each other other out. Does that seem like a deal?

[They give each other hard looks. Finally the Doctor concedes.]

Doctor: Fine. [Looks at Arthur] Is he going to be okay?

Merlin: Yeah, this always happens.

Rose: So wait, if you have magic...this means you really are THE Merlin of the legends.

Merlin: What legends?

River: Spoilers.

[River exits. Arthur wakes up.]

Arthur: Merlin, what happened?

Merlin: You killed it!

Arthur: That makes sense. I rock!

Rose: That's not medieval slang.

[Arthur exits.]

Doctor: Is he really that dumb?

Merlin: Yeah.

Rose: As exciting as this has all been, I really think we should be leaving.

[Merlin, Rose and the Doctor go to where they parked the TARDIS. It's gone!]

Rose: Doctor! Where is it!

[Doctor finds a note nailed to a tree.]

Doctor: I can't read this! How can I not? The TARDIS translates everythin- oh.

Merlin: Let me see that. [takes paper] Oh, it's written in the language of the old religion. It says:

" Owner of blue box,

you're possession was found on the grounds of the artist presently known as Morgana Smirkalot and previously know as Morgana Pentdragon. It has been confiscated until you come visit me in Cendred's castle to help over throw Arthur and Uther Pentdragon! I eagerly await you're reply.

Love, from you're future murder,

Morgana."

Rose: Oh my!

Merlin: That witch!

Doctor: We need to get the TARDIS back.

Merlin: What does TARDIS stand for, anyway?

Rose: Time and Relative Dimension in Space. It's very powerful, wonderful and can be dangerous. So who exactly is this Morgana who's gotten a hold of it?

Merlin: Ummm, she's a not so subtle evil sorcerous, trying to rule Camelot.

Doctor: Great.

Merlin: Don't worry, I'll get someone very special to help us. [Looks up to the sky] O drakon, e male so ftengometta tesd'hup'anankes!

Rose: How did you do that!

Merlin: Well, I'm sort of a dragon lord too.

Rose: That's amazing!

Doctor: Not as cool as being a Time Lord.

Merlin: What does a Time Lord do?

Doctor: It's not about doing! It's a state of being. We can see all of time and space. What was, what will be, and what can never be. It's so much more than anyone could fathom!

Merlin: Being a dragon lord is an ancient gift. I share a voice with the dragon, and my soul is bonded with Kilgarah's. Also, I can see into the future.

Rose: Is that a Dragon lord power?

Merlin: No, it's just another one of my secret talents.

Doctor: I am the last of my kind!

Merlin: So am I!

[The great dragon arrives]

Dragon: Boys! Boys, stop fighting over who has the most angst.

Rose: Oh my god! He can talk! Wait a minute I know that voice.

Doctor/Rose: John Hurt!

Dragon: Yes, it's me. In the future I turn myself human and change my name to that.

Rose: No wonder you're so awesome. Just look at you! You a great blooming animal.

Dragon: I am not an animal!

Merlin: Kilgarah, the Doctor and Rose have lost their travel device. What must we do to retrieve it?

[Merlin goes up to the dragon and shakes his belly like a figure 8 ball]

Kilgarah: Try again later.

[Merlin shakes his belly again.]

Kilgarah: Unlikely.

Merlin: Why must you always be so cryptic?

Kilgarah: For this task to be complete, you must get the other side of the coin to help.

Merlin: Got it!

[Merlin runs off]

Rose: "What will he find out there, doctor?"

Doctor: "His destiny."

Kilgarah/Dr. Zaius : Hey that's my line!

Kilgarah( to Dr. Zaius): Who the hell are you?

[Dr. Zaius goes to pet Kilgarah]

Kilgarah: "Take your stinking paws off me, you darn dirty ape!"


	4. Chapter 4

[Cut to Merlin bursting into Arthur's room. Arthur's in there with Gwen and Uther. Uther is acting like a chicken.]

Merlin: Arthur!

Arthur: Merlin! Haven't you learnt to knock?

[Arthur takes off his shirt. Everyone takes a sip of drink]

Merlin: Morgana has gotten her hands on a very powerful weapon and we must get her.

Uther: (like a bird) CACA!

Arthur: Where can we find her?

Merlin: In Cendred's castle.

Gwen: How did you figure that out?

Merlin: It's in this note (pulls out note). I had Gaius translate it for me.

Uther:(singing) "I believe I can fly! I got caught by the FBI! All I wanted was a chicken wing! Now I've gone and lost everything!"

Arthur: Alright, let's go!

Gwen: I'm going with you.

Arthur: No Gwen it's too dangerous.

Gwen: No, I'm going because it proves how this show is pro-feminism even though during these times it would be a scandal for a woman of any rank to be involve with such activities...Also, I'm a blacksmith's daughter.

Merlin: How does that-

Arthur: Well, that's convinced me. Let's go!

[ Cut to Arthur, Gwen, Merlin, Doctor, and Rose all on horses ridding to Cendred's castle.]

Merlin: I spy with my little eye something egotistical, prattish and blond.

Rose: Arthur?

Arthur: Shut up!

Gwen: I spy with my little eye something tall, made of stone and dangerous looking.

Doctor: Cendred's castle?

[They have arrived]

Merlin: Well that was surprisingly simple. I can't believe nothing went wrong.

[They all pass out. They wake up in a cell]

Arthur: You had to open your big mouth, didn't you Merlin?

[Morgana enters. Arthur takes off his shirt. Everyone takes a drink.]

Morgana: Hello there Merlin, Gwen, brother. ( turns to the doctor and rose) So you two must be the owner of the mysterious blue box.

Rose: I'm Rose.

Doctor: And I'm the Doctor.

Morgana: A doctor! You're just what I need. My sister needs help.

[Morgana leaves then comes back with Morgause who has a huge scar on her face.]

Merlin: Her neck broke! How did she only get a scar?

Morgana: Silence! I kill you! (to the Doctor) Please help me. Since her accident she's been speaking in tongues.

Morgause: AAMOF WU?

Morgana: I can't understand a word she's saying.

Morgause: URSAI.

Doctor: here's the thing. I'm not that kind of a doctor. In fact Doctor is my name.

Rose: Not his real name, but no one knows what his real name is.

Morgause:WYRN.

Morgana: No morgause, there are no Wyverins here.

Morgause: TINWIS!

Morgana: Please don't be angry with me.

Morgause: Sry, 3 u lil sis.

Morgana: I think I understood that.

Rose: Oh, I know what's going on. She's speaking in text.

Morgana: Text? This must be some language of the old religion. I must learn it! (points to Rose) You! You, will teach me the ways of texting!

Rose: Oh no.

Morgana: Everyone else can leave!

(Uses a spell to transport everyone, but Rose, back to Camelot.)

Doctor: We must save Rose!

Merlin: I don't get it. Morgana had all of us as her prisoners, yet she released us all. She could have gotten rid of all of us.

Gwen: Yes, but see looking at this from a logical standpoint would cause the plot to completely fall apart.

Doctor: There's a plot?

PartlyInsaneEvilKitty: Don't question me and my powers of absolutely randomness! MUHAHAHA!

Arthur: Anyways, we should go to my father to see if he will lend us knights to create a rescue party.

Merlin: Your father wouldn't let you create a rescue party for Gwen when she was in trouble and she's a citizen of Camelot. What makes you think your father will let you make one for a visiting woman, who he suspected of witchcraft?

Arthur: Well, he has lost his marbles.

[Everyone mumbles in agreement.]

[Cut to Uther sitting at the throne. There are a lot of people standing around and talking. Uther is wearing his crown upside down and is dressed in drag. Arthur, Merlin, Gwen and the Doctor enter.]

Arthur: FATHER!

[Arthur takes off his shirt and everyone in the room takes a drink]

Doctor: Seriously, does he have to keep doing that?

All the Girls: Yes!

Gwen: Hands off! He's mine!

Doctor: (to Gwen) Wait, you and Arthur?

Gwen: Yes.

Doctor: ( he looks at Merlin) I thought that he was...well, you know.

Merlin: What are you talking about?

Doctor: You and Arthur...

Merlin: GROSS! That's disgusting.

Slash Fans: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bromance Fans: YESSSSSSSSS!

Arthur: (to his father) Father, the Lady Rose has been captured by Morgana. We must save her.

Uther: Sorry, no can do.

Arthur: But this may be the perfect opportunity to capture Morgana and punish her for her crimes.

Uther: Does this dress make my butt look big?

Arthur: Dad!

Uther: " I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!"

Arthur: I can't believe this. Why, why me?

Uther: Why you? I'm the one with a thankless job.

Arthur: Please dad!

Uther: No!

Arthur: I'll keep annoying you until you say yes.

Uther: No!

Arthur: DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD! DAD!

PartlyInsaneEvilKitty: SHUT UP!

Uther: Okay fine! you can have you stupid rescue party. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a party to attend to because I'm just a "Sweet Transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania!"

[Uther exits. Merlin walks up to Arthur.]

Arthur: Don't you dare say anything.

Merlin: My lips are sealed as long as you stop calling me a girl.

Arthur: Deal.

Gwen: Alright everyone, let's get this rescue party on the road.

[After an epic 80's montage of the knights getting ready. They ride off. Gwen, Arthur, Leon, Elyan, Percival, Gwaine, Merlin, Lancelot and the Doctor. are ridding together]

Merlin: So everyone knows we're the ones who are going to be the only ones to find them right?

Lancelot: What do you mean.

Merlin: Think about it, we are always the ones who get in the most trouble yet always survive. Leon has nearly died more times than I can count. Gwaine is too likable to ever get killed off. Gwen is Arthur's true love and Arthur is prince, therefore they will be fine. I have face more dangerous creatures imaginable without amor and always come out unscathed. Lastly, Elyan and Percival have both survived an immortal army attack.

[Everyone remains silent.]

Merlin: Also we're the main characters.

Everyone: Oh.

Gwaine: So the only one we have to worry about is Doctor boy here.

Doctor: Who are you calling boy? I'm most defiantly older than you.

Gwaine: No argument there.

Doctor: Besides, I'm never killed. Everyone around me always dies, but I never do. So maybe this will all be your unlucky day.

Lancelot: Everyone, let's not bicker and argue about who will get who killed first. We're on important business.


	5. Chapter 5

[cut to PartlyInsaneEvilKitty at her desk. She has stopped typing. She looks at her roommate, Gypsebelloftheopera, who singing opera.]

PartlyInsaneEvilKitty: Oh Gypsebelloftheopera, I'm in a pickle. I'm having writer's block.

Gypsebelloftheopera: Why are you calling me by my fanficiton name? You know my real name.

PartlyInsaneEvilKitty: Stop trying to avoid helping me! I'm stuck.

Gypsebelloftheopera: Well, why don't you just write "The End" until you get an idea.

PartlyInsaneEvilKitty: I don't know...what about all the people following this story?

Gypsebelloftheopera: You're writing this before posting it online. How do you know if anyone will follow it?

PartlyInsaneEvilKitty: That's true.

Gypsebelloftheopera: Now make me a sandwich!

PartlyInsaneEvilKitty: There's a cafeteria! And we are on the Feminist floor...and you're a woman too.

Gypsebelloftheopera: Shut up, woman!

[One year later. PartlyInsaneEvilKitty is sitting in her math class taking notes. When suddenly a lightbulb appears over her head.]

PartlyInsaneEvilKitty: I've got it! [Stands up and shatters lightbulb over her head] Ow!

**Continuing with the story:**

[Merlin, Gwen, Arthur, Gwaine, and the Doctor are all tied up in Cendred's castle.]

Merlin: How did we get here? And were are Elyan, Lancelot and Percival?

Gwen: If you haven't realized, the author of this story has no sense of consistency. Also, the writer didn't want to deal with more that four characters.

Gwaine: I'm use to this sort of thing. Waking up and having no clue how I got there.

Merlin: Not surprised.

Arthur: We need a plan to escape.

Doctor: ( looks at Merlin) Well, if there was someone who had it in their _power_ to free us, I know that _someone_ shouldn't be so selfish to save themselves by letting us all suffer.

Merlin: You know Doctor, you're right. Thank you for volunteering. This is the perfect time you use that magic wand of yours.

Arthur: Magic?

Doctor: It's not magical and second of all, my hands are tied at the moment. Literally!

Merlin: You're hands are tied in front of you. Easy enough to reach inside your pocket.

Doctor: You're a cheeky little thing, aren't you?

Merlin: Seems like we have than in common.

Arthur: Okay, I get it. Both of you are having a big girly cat fight, but we really need to get out of here.

Merlin: You're father's a fairy!

Doctor: (to Merlin) Is he always this obnoxious?

Merlin: You have no idea.

[The doctor reaches into his pocket and get's his sonic screw driver. The bar door swings open.]

Arthur: Sorcery!

Doctor: It's science!

Merlin: Let's get going!

[They run out. They find Rose, Morgause and Morgana, they are both sitting next to each other, talking.]

Rose: Lol, 4 realz? he tot desrve tht.

Morgauase: I knw rght?

Morgana: Thts y I want 2 tak ovr & b queen.

[ Rose see's the others peering from behind a wall.]

Rose: Lisen Mor's I 3 u both, but I got 2 go 2 toilt.

Morgana: ?

Rose: Chamber pot. More talk after.

Morgause: XD

Morgana: Ok, because I total trust u not 2 run away.

[Rose runs over to where the others are.]

Rose: U guys. Wht u doin here?

Merlin: What?

Rose: Sorry, what are you guys doing here.

Doctor: We are here to rescue you and get the TARDIS back. Did you see where they are keeping it?

Rose: It's in the tallest tower.

Arthur: Well, how are we supposed to get up there without getting caught?

Rose: There is a window.

Gwen: I am not rock climbing up to the tallest tower!

Merlin: Neither am I.

Doctor: It's too bad that _someone_ doesn't have a flying friend who could help us get up there.

Merlin: No.

Doctor: Please, we need him.

Merlin: I said no.

Arthur:What are you two talking about.

Doctor: Merlin, if you care about the future of the entire world, you will call for him.

[Merlin sighs.]

Merlin: Everyone outside.

[They all go outside of the castle. Merlin takes a deep breath and looks at Arthur.]

Merlin: Arthur, don't hate me.

Arthur: What are you talking about? How could I hate you?

Merlin: drakon,!

[Merlin turns towards Arthur. Arthur is shocked frozen.]

Gwaine: That was awesome Merlin! What did you just do?

Merlin: Call the Great Dragon.

Rose: Aka John Hurt.

Gwen: Wait, but Arthur killed the great dragon.

Merlin: [looks at Arthur] Arthur?

[Arthur remains frozen]

Merlin: Arthur?

[Arthur still doesn't move.]

Gwaine: I think you broke him.

Merlin: Arthur, I'm sorry about lying to you.

[Still Arthur is still. The dragon arrives.]

Kilgarah: Young dragonlord, you called?

Merlin: We need to get to the tallest tower to get to the TARDIS. Will you help us?

Kilgarah: I am not a horse!

Merlin: Please.

Kilgarah: Okay. [See's the prince.] What happened to the young pendragon?

Merlin: His brain's trying to catch up. Now everyone, help me get Arthur onto Kilgarah.

[ Gwaine put's Arthur over his shoulder.]

Merlin: Impressive.

[Gwaine puts Arthur on the dragon's back. The other's get on.]

Gwen: Merlin, I'm a bit disappointed that you never told me about this.

Merlin: Sorry, but let's just say I'm a bit paranoid about dying.

Gwaine: Don't blame you mate.

Merlin: Also, I probably should mention this too before things get worse: I'm a warlock.

Arthur: lsdjzkl.

Merlin: Alright . . . Kilgarah, Yipyip!

Kilgarah: Want to run that by me again?

Merlin: Sorry, whenever you are ready.

Kilgarah: That's better.

[the are all flying up. Everyone is very silent.]

Arthur: So Merlin...

Merlin: Oh I see you're working again.

Arthur: You're a dragon lord.

Merlin: . . . yes.

Arthur: And you have magic.

Merlin: . . . pretty much.

[Long moment of silence.]

Arthur: Okay then.

[Merlin looks at Arthur with surprise.]

Merlin: Really? That's it?

[More silence. They get to the window of the tallest tower. The pile through the window, one by one. The TARDIS is in the corner. When they are all in, Merlin looks at Arthur.]

Merlin: Well, thank you Arthur. I never thought you'd be so understanding-

Arthur: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

[Arthur tackles Merlin to the ground.]

Merlin: OW! Help!

Gwen: Arthur!

Arthur: You're a sorcerer! You're evil. You lied to me. You are despicable! I'm your friend, how could you not trust me with your secret? I can't believe you would betray me like this! I'm going to turn you in to my father! Why would you think I would turn you in?

Rose: What's going on?

Doctor: It seems parallel universes have collided. He's saying all the possible things Arthur might say in this situation.

Arthur: I'm so hurt! I can't believe you've had to live a lie. I'm an idiot! You're an idiot! It was you who freed the dragon! You have saved my life so many times, I'm so grateful. I'll keep your secret! You're banished! Don't leave!

[Arthur hugs Merlin]

Arthur: You're my best friend. I'm so sorry.

Audience: Awww.

Slash fans: Yes!

Bromance fans: Yes!

Slash fans: This is proof of their undying love for each other!

Bromance fans: What are you talking about? It just showing how amazing their friendship is!

[They all get into a fight. It was a bloody war which lasted for five long years. Children cried at the sight or mangled bodies on the floor. There were peace talks, but no one seemed to be able to stop the horror. People lost their humanity in the process. From then on, people describe Arthur's and Merlin's on screen chemistry as unspeakable, in fear of returning the land to chaos. ]

Doctor: Well, now that's all settled. We should all get out of here before the witch sisters arrive.

[They all get into the TARDIS]

Merlin: This is amazing!

Arthur: Sorcery!

Merlin: Arthur!

Arthur: Sorry, force of habit.

Doctor: So let's get you all back to Camelot and then Rose and I will continue on our journeys.

[They arrive in the forest that is just outside of Camelot. They all step out of the TARDIS. Meanwhile the 11th doctor and Amy are walking by.]

11th: For the last time Amy, Camelot really does exist.

Amy: I don't believe you.

11th: Let me prove it to you, besides, I owe someone a drink.

[They walk away. Rose the the Doctor watch them leave.]

Rose: Who the hell were they?

Doctor: I don't know, but did you see that ridiculous bow tie he was wearing? Who would ever think that's cool?

Arthur: Well, doctor, this seems to be goodbye.

Doctor: Yes it does.

Gwaine: If you're ever around this century again, come by for a couple of drinks. Promise?

Doctor: I promise.

[They all shake hands. Arthur and Gwaine start walking away.]

Merlin: It was a honor meeting you both.

Doctor: Likewise.

Merlin: Before you go, I have something very important to tell you. There is a-

THE END


End file.
